Conflict ahead? Don't make these mistakes

Subscribers to our monthly publication The Discussion are asked to share their biggest engagement dilemma, and one of the most common challenges submitted is coping with conflict.

For many of us, conflict, outrage and emotion makes us fearful, uncertain or triggers our own emotional response. And, unfortunately, many of our natural reactions (and therefore the approach taken by most organisations) to these scenarios make the situation worse.

There are lots of variations on this challenge, and conflict can take on various forms. Sometimes, it’s about anger or polarisation within communities, sometimes it’s outrage at something an organisation has done. Almost always, mistrust and scepticism are involved.

Some of the questions you’re asking include:

How can I resolve conflict and competing interests?
What do I do when there’s mistrust?
How do I explain complex ideas to an enraged and confused community?
How do I deal with conflict?
How do I manage highly emotive situations?
How do I facilitate within hyper polarised contexts?

Well, in every case, we start by avoiding some of the big mistakes almost everyone makes when it comes to conflict, and we try to resist our natural urge to defend, convince or hide.

the top three conflict mistakes - and what to do instead

It’s hard to pick just three, because there are lots of critical errors that tend to be made in the face of heightened emotions. However these would have to be some of our top ones to tackle.

Talking before listening

People who are highly emotional have zero interest in what you have to say. The ‘facts’ you want to deliver to them, the presentation you want them to watch or the ‘activities’ you want them to do are irrelevant to them at that time.

In fact, the more you talk at them, the more upset they will get, and the less they will engage with what you have to say.

This one seems like a simple tip. However, it’s earned its place in the top three because we see it time after time - situations escalating due to a lack of listening.

And by listening, we don’t mean listening for a brief moment while waiting for an opportunity to talk at people, or listening until your team is sick of it and wants to move on.

We mean listening actively - which includes clarifying what people are saying and acknowledging their concerns transparently - until the community or stakeholders involved feel heard and are ready to move on. They will tell you when they are ready.

Ignore this one at your peril - and the peril of your project.

dealing with the loudest voices in private

Ever had one or a few really loud, angry people or groups seemingly attacking your organisation or project, and you have sought to ‘deal with’ them on the side?

On the face of it, it can appear less risky to engage with them behind closed doors than having the conversation in public. You might be hoping to hurry things along and engage with the broader public - engaging with people who aren’t feeling so strongly about the issue, ‘keeping them away’ from those who are emotional, and pressing forward with your agenda.

This tends to be a mistake. Engaging with your biggest critics transparently, fairly and openly in the public realm builds trust and goodwill - doing it behind closed doors breeds suspicion, confusion and mistrust.

Employ tips 1 and 3 when engaging with these cohorts, and remember that how you treat them demonstrates to your broader community or stakeholder group what they can expect of you when they engage.

controlling, convincing, self-congratulating

When humans feel uncomfortable they like to start to control things. It feels safe and comforting to us in times of stress.

Unfortunately, in an engagement setting, this can lead to attempting to ‘control the narrative’. This often includes convincing your community or stakeholders of all the reasons your team or organisation are right, or good, or have tried hard or need to be given a break.

Congratulating yourself amidst a conflict situation and face the consequences - you will not appear to be genuinely hearing and understanding what people are trying to tell you, and seem more interested in public relations than them.

In fact, it’s much more effective to do the opposite. Genuinely give away credit to your community or stakeholders (this means - they brought the issue up, they thought up the idea, or they simply kept pushing when everyone else gave up) and acknowledge and apologise for prior problems and failings on your side. The more you acknowledge what you did wrong and where you could improve, the faster people accept you’ve got the message and move on.

NEED YOUR team or leaders to get comfortable with conflict?

If you are facing or anticipating conflict in engagement, it can pay to upskill your team or leadership group and build their capacity to work with outrage and emotion effectively.

It’s certainly a smaller investment than the cost of cleaning things up should you get it wrong!

We regularly facilitate processes that involve high emotion and difficult issues . Our experience and learnings are all packed into our training offerings. We teach groups practical, useful skills that can be applied in real scenarios, and work with groups and teams in every sector, tailoring sessions to meet specific needs.

Head over to our MosaicLab Academy website to discover more about what we offer, or get in touch for a conversation about how we can build your team’s capacity to work through tricky engagement scenarios.

AFTER MORE READING AND RESOURCES?

Luckily, we have lots for you! We’ve written about this issue before - because it’s one of our most popular topics. Below are some related resources that explore it in further detail: